We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
