Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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