I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
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