bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize