im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
