I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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