1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
