Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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