Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
