I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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