If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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