I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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