So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
