i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
