PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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