if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
