I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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