I think I died a long time ago.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
