My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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