I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
