Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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