capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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