i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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