Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
