I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
