I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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