Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you told grandpa to call you daddy
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
