I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
