i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
