I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
