The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
