I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
