So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
