I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
