I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He has the fingertips of a God
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