I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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