I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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