Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
