My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
