That's when you crack a 10am beer
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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