I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
