i already hear my dad disowning me
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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