I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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