I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
