Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
