the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
