How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
How's work?
Spinning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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