My friends, they love my intelligence
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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