youre lurking in front of me
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
