apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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