he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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