i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
