i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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