Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize