11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
