That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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