I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
