you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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