My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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