you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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