the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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