then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize