why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
